Life in Therapy
by FictionWriter91
Summary: As part of the process of giving care to Sophie, Messer and Holly are asked to attend therapy to help them with their grief and their sudden new roles as caregivers. Both have different responses to it, and Holly is determined to get Messer to open up with her outside of therapy. [E. Messer & Holly B.] OC
1. Session 1

**Hello all! This is my first story ever for Life As We Know It. I had the idea a while ago and just didn't write it out. I hope it's interesting. I hope you guys enjoy it. There will be a range of emotions as Messer and Holly work through their grief. I just wanted to put that warning out there now.**

**The characters Harvey Gold and Jessica Weaver are of my own creation.**

**Happy reading!**

* * *

Harvey Gold was wondering what he had gotten himself into when he decided to become a therapist. Sure, it seemed like a rewarding job, and he had mostly good experiences with clients, but then there were times when he got given clients who did not seem to want to cooperate or even talk.

Eric Messer was one such client.

"So," Harvey said, tapping his pen against his leg. "Eric..."

"Call me Messer," Messer insisted. "Please."

"Okay."

"I don't really understand why I'm here," Messer said, continuing on. "Or what purpose this has for me."

"Well, it was encouraged as part of your journey towards caring for Sophie," Harvey explained. "And to help with your grief from the loss..."

"Stop," Messer said, holding up his hand. "Stop right there."

"Did I say something wrong?" Harvey asked. Messer looked as though he was about to burst; whether it be with anger or sadness was left to be discovered.

"I don't want to talk about it," Messer said after a moment.

"About the loss...?"

"No," Messer cut him off quickly.

"Okay," Harvey agreed. He knew that people needed time to process things, to be able to feel comfortable talking about painful situations. He knew not to push or pry. He knew it would be a work in progress. He did hope, however, that Messer would talk about something at least. He figured it would be about Holly, the woman he now had to live with while caring for Sophie. He had heard from the social worker, Janine, that they weren't exactly peachy with one another. He figured he could help with that if Messer shared about it.

Messer did not talk for the rest of the hour.

...

Jessica Weaver loved being a therapist. She felt lots of good feelings when her clients left and told her she had helped them so much. She was able to effectively deal with other people's trauma and sadness and pain. She had yet to meet a client that would cause her to feel pain more than usual. Then she met Holly Berenson.

"I'm sorry," Holly said, crying. "I just...I can't believe they're gone. _Gone!_"

"It is so difficult losing a loved one," Jessica nodded. "I'm so sorry for your loss."

"I just..." Holly said, reaching to rip out five sheets of kleenex and blow her nose. "I just _saw _her, you know? We talked. I never dreamed that would be the last time I spoke with her ever!"

Jessica knew to stay quiet. Using silence was her tool to get the clients to speak more. She still nodded, though, to show she was listening.

"And Sophie...my God, what must she be thinking? I know she's only one years old, but she has to know her parents are gone, right? She would put that together, wouldn't she? It's been a week, and it's been just Messer and I at the house with her. She has to know."

"Infants are very perceptive, yes," Jessica agreed. No doubt poor Sophie was feeling the pain.

"She is my best friend," Holly whimpered. "Was. Oh, God!" She burst into more wails, and Jessica felt them hit her own chest like bullets. It was sometimes hard seeing people cry so hard in front of her. She wondered how her colleague, Harvey Gold, was doing with Eric Messer, the man Holly was co-parenting Sophie with. She hoped he was making progress.

...

Messer drove while Holly sat in the passenger seat, wiping at her eyes viciously. She didn't want Sophie to see the tears. Thankfully, one of the neighbors had been able to look after Sophie while they were in therapy.

"That was a waste of time," Messer said after a while. Holly looked at him.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Therapy. It's dumb."

"It's supposed to help us grieve, Messer," Holly said, feeling a little disgruntled.

"I'm grieving in my own way, Holly," Messer said back. "I don't need to talk to some stranger about it."

"They're professionals..."

"Who are strangers," Messer finished for her. "I'm not comfortable with that."

"All right. So talk to me about it," Holly insisted. Messer scoffed as he looked at her quickly.

"No," he answered.

"Why not?"

"Because!"

"Why don't you want to talk about Alison and Peter dying?" Holly demanded.

"Drop it, Holly," Messer warned.

"We have to be able to talk about it, not just for us but for Sophie," Holly urged.

"No," Messer disagreed.

"Why can't you talk about it?" she pressed, not giving in.

"BECAUSE IT HURTS TOO DAMN MUCH!" Messer shouted, hitting the brakes hard and stopping at the sudden red light. He was staring at the road in front of them, panting while Holly stared at him in surprise. She knew he'd be hurting, but his explosion was unexpected.

"I'm hurting too, Messer," she whispered. "We are hurting together..."

"Stop," he ordered, finally looking at her. "Stop trying to make us bond. Stop trying to fix me or this. Just stop."

Holly clamped her mouth shut, knowing if she said anything else, he'd probably make her walk home. She just nodded. The light turned green, and they drove on. Their journey was just beginning.

* * *

**Do you guys think it's worth continuing? I plan on following along with the movie storyline, but it's not a rewrite of the movie. I look forward to hearing your thoughts!**


	2. Session 2

Messer was quiet again for the majority of his second session with Harvey, who was feeling like this was going to be the habit each time. He knew Messer thought this was a waste of time. Halfway through the session, after Messer still said nothing, Harvey was about to call it quits when Messer finally spoke.

"Holly is driving me nuts," he said.

"She is?" Harvey asked, working to keep from sounding excited. He was just glad Messer was talking at all.

"She wants me to talk to her about what happened. I don't want to."

"She probably feels that because it's a shared experience, you two could talk about it and know how the other is feeling," Harvey noted.

"Yea well, I'm not one for feelings," Messer said. He ran his hand through his hair before placing the ball cap firmly back on his head.

"It can be hard sometimes to let ourselves fully feel our emotions," Harvey said.

Messer just raised his eyebrows and pressed his lips together, not saying anything. They were back to silence. Harvey wished he could get his foot in the door just a little more to get things going.

"How is Sophie?" he asked after a bit, grasping at anything.

"Not happy," Messer answered. "We have no idea what we're doing."

"New parents don't usually. It's a learning process."

"Yea, but she's not my kid," Messer said. "It's not the same."

"Being an adoptive parent..." Harvey started.

"Whoa, whoa," Messer stopped him, holding up his hands. "I haven't agreed to that yet. This is just a trial run."

"Right," Harvey nodded. "Well, in any case, being a caregiver to a child is something you can get better at the longer you do it."

"I hope so," Messer muttered. He looked at his watch. "Are we done here?"

Harvey glanced at the clock. They had fifteen minutes left, but if Messer wanted out, he couldn't stop him. It would make things worse in the rapport building department.

"Sure," Harvey agreed. "See you next week?"

"I guess," Messer shrugged, standing up and beelining for the door. Harvey tapped his pen on his pad of paper absently as he thought.

...

Jessica's neck was killing her from nodding so much. Holly didn't give her much room to say anything, which was fine. She'd ask Jessica a question and then proceed to answer it on her own.

"Messer is an idiot," Holly was saying now. "He won't talk about what happened. He refuses to acknowledge that it happened. We went to the funeral, and he just stood there silent and dark. We have to work through this in order to move on and not let Sophie be affected by our grief, but he won't do it."

"Men grieve a bit differently than women do sometimes," Jessica started. Holly started talking again, though.

"He thinks I'm trying to fix everything. I'm not. I just...I want this to work for Sophie. She's all that I care about right now. I miss Alison like crazy, and I feel like I'm letting her down by being a shitty substitute mother."

"You're not..." Jessica tried.

"I just feel like I'm going to let Sophie down," Holly went on, plowing on. "I'm going to ruin her." She started to cry again then, burying her face into her tissue. There was quite a pile around her feet at this point. She kept missing the garbage can that was beside her.

"Did you know that Alison and Peter tried to set me and Messer up? It was a horrible date," Holly said. "He brought his motorcycle to pick me up. A motorcycle! Then he got a blatantly obvious booty call right before we went to dinner, so I told him to get out and hoped to never see him again. And here I am," Holly said, dropping her hands onto her legs after throwing them in the air, "co-parenting with him! Living with him! I don't know how this is going to work."

Jessica worked to keep her expression neutral. Messer was starting to sound a bit like a jerk. Who went on a date and answered a booty call?

"I'm sorry for rambling," Holly said, dabbing at her eyes as she got ready to leave. "I just don't have another person to talk to about this since Messer flat out refuses. He will literally put his hand in my face and push me away when I start."

"He'll come around," Jessica said. "Give him some time."

"I guess I do want quick results, and I should be patient," Holly smiled weakly. "Okay. See you next week?"

"For sure," Jessica nodded, giving her a smile back. "You're doing great, Holly. I think you just have to give yourself more credit."

Holly let this sink in and gave a small nod in return. Jessica watched her leave and sat back in her chair, feeling the pinprick of tears in her eyes. She couldn't stop thinking about Sophie losing both of her parents so young. It reminded her of...

No. She would not go there. She sniffed hard and sucked the tears back into her eyes as best as she could. She still had work to do.

...

"Did you leave therapy early?" Holly asked, seeing Messer leaning against the wall waiting for her.

"Yup," he nodded.

"Messer! We're supposed to talk..."

"I'm not talking. I told you already," Messer warned. Holly marched past him, heading for the minivan, which was their new vehicle. Holly was still trying to get used to how big it was compared to her car. She drove this time while Messer stared out the window.

"At least Sophie is eating a bit more," Holly said, trying to break up the silence. She hated silence with Messer. She never knew what he was thinking.

"Yea," Messer replied absently.

"Why didn't you say something at the funeral?" Holly asked. She had to know. It had been such a sad day. She'd been shocked when Messer didn't speak at all.

"What did you want me to say?" Messer countered.

"I don't know. Anything? Like how you and Peter were close?"

"They all knew that."

"You still could have said something," Holly insisted. "Peter would have for you."

"Well, now he'll never get the chance, will he?" Messer asked, looking at her finally. Holly felt the stab in her heart, but his comment also just confirmed that he still did have a soul and was hurting badly. He wasn't a robot after all.

"Messer," Holly started.

"I was supposed to die before him," Messer cut her off, his mind on a one track circuit. "I was the one with the motorcycle, living life on the edge, and not giving a damn. He had the wife and the kid, the family. He had it figured out. It should have been me."

"Messer," Holly said again, shocked.

"Stop the car," he ordered.

"What?" she asked.

"Stop the car," he said again. She pulled over to the side of the road, and he unbuckled himself.

"What are you doing?" she questioned.

"I need air. See you at...home," he answered, faltering, before getting out of the car and shutting the door behind him. Holly watched him pull his hood up over his head and start to walk just at the rain started to fall from the sky.

* * *

**I hope someone is reading this and sort of enjoying it!**


	3. Session 3

Harvey looked at Messer, and he just knew there was something on the man's mind. He had that look about him that said "don't ask," though. Harvey very badly wanted to ask, but he didn't want to push. If you pushed clients too hard, it could ruin any rapport you had built with them. Instead, Harvey tapped his fingers lightly on his leg and waited. If Messer wanted to share, he would share.

"Sophie won't eat," Messer said after what felt like ages.

"Oh?" Harvey asked.

"Yea. Holly keeps cooking all these gourmet meals, and the kid just won't eat. I mean, I get it. Holly's cooking is a bit much, but it's bothering me that she won't touch anything."

"Have you tried feeding her?" Harvey asked.

"No," Messer shook his head. "I leave that up to Holly."

"Why?"

"Because."

"Because she's the woman, the 'mom?'"

"She's not Sophie's mom," Messer said quietly.

"No, I know, but she is acting the motherly role. Do you not think fathers feed their children?" Harvey challenged.

"I...I just don't feel comfortable doing it. What if I do it wrong?" Messer asked.

"What could go wrong?"

"She could choke."

"And you can intervene if she does."

"Holly likes doing it," Messer tried.

"Maybe Holly needs help. Maybe it needs to be something more simple that Sophie eats."

"I doubt it," Messer argued. Harvey pursed his lips a little, but he let it go. He went on a different tactic instead.

"What was your father like?" he asked.

"There it is," Messer sighed. "I knew you'd bring up my family at some point."

"Well, our past sometimes shapes our future," Harvey pointed out.

"Ah, geez," Messer said, rubbing his face. He exhaled loudly and exaggeratedly. "Okay. Dad was...not really all there."

"He wasn't?"

"No. He worked a lot. Mom did the best she could, but she couldn't do the stuff I liked to do, you know?"

"Right."

"I don't really talk to my parents," Messer admitted.

"Why not?" Harvey asked gently.

"Just...it's hard because I'm not what my father wanted me to be."

"What did he want you to be?"

"Something other than working for a sports network," Messer answered.

"Ah."

"Peter was the better father," Messer said quietly. "I'm not a good father."

"Why do you think that?"

"Because I'm just not. I...I am not someone to be proud of, and she's gonna look up to me and see what? A guy who's barely keeping it together and feels no connection to her whatsoever?" Messer stopped talking abruptly then, realizing what he'd just said out loud. Harvey felt a bit of triumph that Messer was finally opening up a bit. This was good.

"You don't feel connected to Sophie," he echoed.

"How can I?" Messer asked. "She...she's not mine."

Although they touched on this briefly in their last session, Harvey knew it was really playing on Messer's mind a lot.

"But she's Peter's," Harvey pointed out, and Messer looked up at him finally. Harvey detected a bit of wetness in his eyes. "And you loved Peter and felt connected to him somehow, right?"

"Yea."

"Then it'll happen with Sophie too."

Harvey watched Messer digest this information before clearing his throat and asking the usual question when their time was almost up.

"Are we done here?"

...

"Messer is like a zombie," Holly was saying. "He's not all there. I know this is really bothering him, and I wish he'd let it out."

"He might be," Jessica replied, knowing Harvey was seeing Messer across the hall in that moment.

"I don't think he will. He doesn't say much. And I feel like he's judging me when I cook for Sophie," Holly commented.

"How so?"

"I can feel his eyes in the back of my head when Sophie rejects my food. I mean, everyone else loves my food, and she hates it. I don't get it."

"Is it child appropriate?" Jessica asked, curious.

"It's food. It's good. Why wouldn't it be child appropriate?" Holly asked, hurt.

"I know you're good with food, but maybe you need to just make things simpler for Sophie."

"That's going to be a challenge," Holly sighed. Then she reached for a tissue to blow her nose. Jessica had seen people cry before, but it was like Holly just had a never ending tap that had no off switch.

"How are things going otherwise? In the house?" Jessica prompted.

"Well, getting used to being a caregiver is hard," Holly answered. "And I discovered I don't get anymore alone time."

"You can try to make a schedule for both you and Messer if that helps," Jessica suggested.

"That sounds like a good idea," Holly agreed.

"Are you sleeping any better?" Jessica asked after a moment. Holly shook her head.

"No. I just...I keep thinking about Alison and Peter. I keep worrying about screwing up Sophie. I...I found a letter from Alison," Holly blurted out, changing the topic suddenly. She pulled it out of her purse with shaking hands. "I wasn't going to bring it up today, but it's really on my mind."

"Oh," Jessica said, not sure what else to say.

"She writes that she loves me so much and that our friendship meant the world to her. She wrote that if anything happened to her and Peter that she hoped I would care for Sophie. She talked about some memories that are our favorite. She...she said that if I just gave it some time, I'd see the side of Messer that she knows exists and would be good for me," Holly finished. "I can't stop thinking about it. I mean, did she write it knowing she was going to die? It was dated six months ago. I feel like this letter is the reason she died because she wrote it."

"Well, it doesn't exactly work like that," Jessica said. "But I see what you mean and why you'd feel that way."

"What if Sophie forgets them?" Holly asked. "I mean, she is going to forget them. She's only one!"

"But you can tell her all about them," Jessica assured her. "You can share all those memories and times you had with her parents. She can remember them through you."

"I know, but it's not the same," Holly said, tearing up again.

"But it's still something," Jessica pressed. Holly nodded after a while.

"You're right. It is."

...

"What are you doing?" Messer asked as Holly put up the big wall sized calendar.

"I'm creating a schedule," she answered. "For us."

"For what?"

"So we can have our down time and designated tasks for looking after the house and Sophie."

"Huh," Messer commented. It was actually not a bad idea. When Holly finished, he stood looking at it while she went to make Sophie something to eat. Messer braced himself for the usual battle that took place when Holly tried to feed Sophie. Then he remembered Harvey's advice. When Holly got Sophie in her high chair and tried to feed her only to get screaming in return, Messer rooted through the cupboard and found a cracker type snack that seemed interesting. He walked over and dumped some of it on the tray in front of Sophie, who picked one up and ate it with a gleam in her eye.

"Seriously?" Holly asked. "She's the only person on the planet who hates my food."

"Sometimes you gotta think simple," Messer replied as he walked away.

...

After Sophie was down for the night, Holly found Messer sitting with a beer and staring at a TV that wasn't turned on. She had given him the note Peter had written for him because it was with Alison's, and she wondered if he had read it and talked about it in therapy that day.

"Did you read it?" she asked. She couldn't help herself.

"Read what?" he countered.

"Peter's letter."

Messer didn't answer right away, so she knew he had.

"You don't have to tell me what he said," she said quickly.

"Thank you," Messer replied. It was hard enough thinking about it let alone sharing it with her. Peter had told him how he had been such a good friend to him and that he had faith Messer could be a good dad for Sophie if Peter was gone. It made his stomach twist.

"I'm going to head up to bed," Holly said after a moment of silence.

"Okay."

"Good night."

"Good night," Messer nodded. He sat with his beer after she was gone, and he thought about Sophie. He couldn't let Peter down, so he knew he had to get it together and soon. He closed his eyes as the "if onlys" started up again like they always did when it was quiet.


	4. Session 4

Harvey had a feeling that Messer was slowly getting more comfortable doing therapy. Today, all Harvey had to ask was how things were going, and Messer launched into talking.

"I told you that we couldn't find anyone to look after Sophie, right?" Messer started.

"Um, no..."

"Well, no one can take her, so we're doing this, and I have no idea what I'm doing. Sophie wasn't going to the bathroom at all and now she's like a poop machine. Holly tried to make me change her when she first went after her hiatus, but I bailed."

"How come?" Harvey asked.

"It was horrible! It was in her feet! I mean...how?" Messer asked, gagging slightly at the memory.

"Goodness," Harvey said. He couldn't even imagine. He had no children.

"And the neighbors," Messer went on. "They came over and bombarded us with information. My head still hurts! I have wanted to just bail every day this week so far. I don't think I can do this."

"Don't think you can or don't want to?" Harvey asked. Messer paused.

"I just...I mean...it's for Peter," Messer said. "He'd do it for me, so I gotta do it for him. I just don't know how I'll pull this off. I'm not father material."

"I think you're not giving yourself enough credit."

"Holly was born to do this," Messer went on, dismissing the comment. "This is what she's dreamed of, so it's easier for her."

"Is it?" Harvey challenged. "Is it really?"

"It looks that way," Messer insisted. Harvey let it go for now. That subject would come back around again he knew.

"And how is bonding with Sophie going?" Harvey asked, switching topics.

"She hates sports," Messer answered, sighing. "Just bawls her eyes out whenever I have a game on. I'm stuck watching The Wiggles."

"Are you doing anything else with her? Reading to her? Going for walks?"

"Not really."

"Maybe think about doing that some time."

Messer nodded slowly, thinking about it all. Harvey felt good about this session. Messer was finally talking more. He hoped it kept going like this in future sessions too.

...

Jessica felt a giggle brewing when Holly described Sophie's poop bomb. She swallowed it, but she did smile.

"And Messer just abandoned me the first chance he got," Holly said. "And then let me see our neighbors with shit on my face."

"Oh dear," Jessica said.

"Speaking of those neighbors," Holly went on. "They just seem to pop over whenever. I mean, I know they're just trying to be nice, but they always have some advice or tip to give, and I feel like I'm never going to remember it all."

"That can be challenging and annoying," Jessica nodded.

"I set up that calendar like you suggested," Holly said, changing the subject. She was bouncing all over topics today, but she didn't care. Jessica was able to follow her train of thought pretty well.

"Oh? Is it working?" she asked.

"Messer keeps changing it," Holly said, exasperated. "It's getting frustrating. He thinks his schedule is more important than mine."

"You're being assertive back?"

"I'm trying to be."

"He will get the message if you stay firm," Jessica nodded. Holly smiled then briefly.

"It's hard living with him since we really can't stand each other."

"I can only imagine."

"I thought I heard him crying the other day, but he left the house when I went to see," Holly said. "He is not one for showing his emotions."

"It is harder for men because of the 'rules' out there for men and emotions. You know, big boys don't cry and all," Jessica said.

"I guess you're right," Holly agreed.

"You're bonding with Sophie okay?" Jessica asked.

"For the most part," Holly nodded. "I still can't get her to eat my food, but we do other stuff together. She likes my version of 'Wheels on the Bus.'"

"Good."

"I do miss my old life," Holly said suddenly. "I miss being able to just do what I want when I want. It's not like I had planned for this and then had another nine months to get ready. I had a kid overnight, and it's hard to adjust to."

"Of course. These thoughts and feelings are all very normal."

"I appreciate you saying that. I feel guilty for even thinking I'd like my old life back," Holly sighed.

"Well, it's more than okay. I'd be concerned if you didn't have those thoughts and feelings," Jessica said. They shared a smile, and Holly felt relief.

"Oh, our time is up," Holly said, noticing. She stood.

"Best of luck with taking back over the schedule," Jessica said.

"Thanks," Holly laughed.

...

"What are you doing?" Holly asked when she saw Messer come into the room with Sophie strapped to his chest in a carrier. She had just finished putting all her post its back up on the schedule that Messer had taken down and replaced with his.

"We're going for a walk," he answered logically.

"Really?"

"Yea. Is that so hard to believe?" Messer challenged.

"No. It's great. I just didn't expect you to."

"Well, I am," he said. Sophie kicked her legs then, nailing him the stomach. He grunted and lurched a little, and Sophie smiled at him. He couldn't be annoyed with an infant.

"Have fun," Holly said, smirking.

"We will," Messer replied. He went out and started down the street. So far so good. The carrier was holding up. There was no way he was going to tell Holly that Sophie fell out of it when he first put it on. She'd freak at him. Sophie hadn't even been fazed by it.

"See? This is good bonding right here," Messer commented. Sophie cooed back at him, making him smile.

"I'm glad you agree," he said.

It was a hell of a lot better than watching The Wiggles.

* * *

**I really hope someone is enjoying this story!**


	5. Session 5

"She used my hat as a toilet," Messer complained. "My favorite hat that I've had since high school."

"I'm sorry to hear that," Harvey said.

"Holly didn't seem to realize how important that hat was," Messer went on.

"Why don't you tell me?" Harvey suggested. Messer inhaled and exhaled slowly.

"Peter gave it to me after my accident," Messer said. "He spent that whole summer with me when no one else would. I never forgot that."

"He was a very good friend to you."

"He was more than that. He was like my brother, you know? When he met Alison, I knew they were right for each other. I still can't believe..." Messer trailed off. Harvey could tell Messer was choking up a bit.

"Tragedies never make sense," he offered, and Messer nodded.

"They don't."

"What really gets me the most is that Sophie is never going to remember her Dad," Messer said quietly. "She has to rely on us to share memories and tell her about him and Alison. It's just so unfair."

"And you'll tell her everything because you knew Peter so well," Harvey noted. Messer nodded and cleared his throat a few times.

"Sophie is a chick magnet," he said, completely changing topics. Harvey noticed this about Messer. When he got too vulnerable, he reverted back to talking about women and sex.

"Is that so?" Harvey asked, going along with it.

"Yea. I'm just pushing her in a cart in a grocery store, and I'm getting numbers left, right, and center," Messer said.

"Some women like seeing a single man be a father."

"I'll say," Messer chuckled. Harvey knew they would probably not be returning to the vulnerable side of Messer that day.

"Sounds like you and Sophie are bonding better?"

"We are. We go for walks. I take her shopping. I let her pick out her own baby food. She's pretty good at knowing what she wants and doesn't like," Messer laughed.

"I'm glad you are feeling more comfortable around her."

"I'm doing my best," Messer said.

"It sounds like it's working."

"I guess so. We discovered Sophie has an umbilical hernia, and Holly was pretty freaked out about it. I was nervous too. I mean, it's one thing to be responsible for you own health. It's another to be responsible for someone else's health. Doc says it'll go away on it's own, though. The appointment was this afternoon before we came here."

"Did you go with Holly to the doctor?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"I had work."

"And Holly didn't?"

"Well...yea, but she wanted to take her. I would have if Holly said she couldn't," Messer said a little defensively.

"You seem to avoid situations that make you feel vulnerable," Harvey pointed out.

"No," Messer denied.

"Just now, you diverted to talking about women and sex right after you bared your soul," Harvey went on. "And you let Holly deal with situations where otherwise you'd have to let your guard down and do it, like taking Sophie to the doctor and hearing potentially scary news."

"All right. So what? I'm protecting myself," Messer said.

"And I get that, but when does it stop being a measure of protecting yourself and start becoming a barrier to connecting with others?" Harvey asked.

"I...I don't know," Messer admitted. He'd never thought of it that way before.

"Just something to think about," Harvey said. It was quiet then.

"I have to say that I did not think therapy was going to be helpful," Messer said after a moment. It was near the end of their session. "But it has been nice coming to talk."

"I'm glad."

"I wouldn't want to be Holly's therapist," Messer laughed. "She probably talks the entire hour."

"Well, maybe if you talked with her, she wouldn't have to unload so much in one hour," Harvey pointed out. Messer was surprised, but he didn't respond. He didn't know what to say.

...

"I noticed Sophie had a lump," Holly was saying. "I took her to see her doctor, and was I ever surprised to see that it was the Sam I'd been thinking about and wanting to see again since before Alison died."

"That's a surprise," Jessica nodded.

"It was! He was just as surprised I think. He assured me it was just an umbilical hernia and that it would go away, but I just started to panic because I have no idea about raising a kid, and the person I'd call to talk about it is dead," Holly said, tearing up. "I totally unleashed on him about all of this, and I feel bad for doing that. It's what I have you for."

"Well, sometimes we unleash when we least expect it," Jessica pointed out. "You must have felt safe and comfortable with him to do so."

"I guess you're right. He is a calming presence," Holly nodded, clearing her throat and wiping at her tears. She didn't want to unleash again about feeling inadequate as a parent. "Anyway, he told me I need to take some 'me' time."

"I agree," Jessica nodded. "Self-care is important for everyone, especially those who are juggling a lot in their lives."

"I'm gonna do it," Holly said. "Tonight. Self-care. Got it."

"Are you able to talk to your mother about any of this?" Jessica asked. They had briefly talked about Holly's mother before.

"No. She made it very clear she was not looking after a child she just met," Holly answered. "And she's right. They're my issues, and I will handle them."

"Well, I'm always here to talk to," Jessica promised.

"I honestly would go crazy if I didn't have this," Holly said. "Messer is such a block wall when it comes to talking."

"I think Messer will come around," Jessica predicted. "I think he just needs time."

"I hope so."

...

Messer was very surprised to see a drunk Holly when he came home that evening. She was giggling and all over the place. Then she revealed that she had gotten out of a three year relationship before their blind date, that Alison had suggested Messer for a night of pure fun. This struck him inside, the fact that she had been hurting and he had been her first date since the break up. It made him feel bad for how it had ended. He wished he had known. Things might have gone differently.

"I'm doing self-care," she said. "I'm taking a break."

"I see that," Messer noted. Then there was a knock at the door, and Messer went to answer. He found their social worker, Janine, on their doorstep doing a random drop in. He practically slammed the door in the woman's face as he turned to see Holly standing right behind him.

"Who dat?" she asked.

"Our social worker. You, go shower. Right now. Sober up," Messer ordered. Holly turned and went down the hall, humming to herself.

"Upstairs!" Messer hissed.

"Oop!" she giggled, turning and coming back. She went up the stairs and promptly tripped. "Messer, don't push!"

"I didn't even touch you," Messer said. "Hurry up!"

He then ran around cleaning quickly before letting Janine inside. He proceeded to take her on a tour of the house, visiting a few rooms more than once.

"Will Holly be joining us?" Janine asked, and on cue, Holly appeared.

"Hi! Sorry. I was just putting the little one down," she said. Both Messer and Janine turned to see Sophie standing in her play pen, grinning. Messer groaned inwardly.

"Oh, she's fast," Holly said, babbling. "Take your eyes off her for one second and she's like tee, tee, tee, tee on her little feet!"

"Let's sit and talk, shall we?" Messer asked, interrupting. He figured they'd be lucky to get through this in one piece.

...

"That was close," Messer said once Janine was gone. She told them they were her easy file and basically asked them to stay that way. At this current moment, neither Messer or Holly had any intention of making it messy and complicated between each other.

"I don't feel so good," Holly said, holding her stomach.

"You know where the toilet is," Messer commented. He picked up Sophie and brought her to her room, getting her ready to put down for the night. He could hear Holly throwing up and winced inside. She was going to have a hangover tomorrow.

And of course he was going to have fun with that.


	6. Session 6

"I did not realize social workers could just randomly show up," Messer said, finishing his story. Harvey had nodded along with it. It was a week later.

"They can."

"Well, it was awkward."

"I bet."

"And you know, I keep thinking about what she said. I mean, there is no way Holly and I would ever get together."

"No?"

"No. Absolutely not. It just wouldn't work."

"Because you're afraid of being vulnerable?" Harvey asked, throwing it out there.

Messer made a noise in his throat that was a half groan, half growl.

"It just wouldn't work," he said.

"Okay."

"I've had relationships."

"I see. How long do they usually last?"

Messer took his time answering. Harvey already knew the answer, though. Messer wasn't his first patient with fears of commitment.

"Maybe a couple of months?"

"So right when it starts to get serious and you have to think about the future?"

"I just haven't found that person I want to do the long march towards death with yet," Messer insisted.

"That's an interesting take on marriage," Harvey commented.

"It's how I feel."

"Okay."

"I'm not against marriage. Just to be clear," Messer said.

"I understand."

"I've just seen how badly marriages can end, and I...I don't want that."

"Marriage is teamwork. It's not solely up to one person to make it work," Harvey said.

"I know," Messer nodded.

Messer was quiet for the remainder of the session. Harvey hoped he hadn't pushed too hard and ruined progress. He did notice Messer looked tired, though, and he chalked it up to that being the reason for silence.

...

"Messer? Like seriously, Messer?" Holly asked, laughing. "I'm never getting with him."

"Because it didn't go well the first time?" Jessica questioned, remembering.

"Not only that but he is emotionally unavailable and too busy bouncing from one woman to the next," Holly snorted.

"Why do you think he doesn't stay with one woman for long?" Jessica asked.

"Because they can't stand him," Holly answered immediately. "I mean, I get it."

"Hmm," Jessica said. She had a feeling there was more to it than that. She wondered if Harvey was getting to the bottom of it. She would love to pick his brain about his sessions with Messer, but they kept their conversations to bare minimum and simply asked if it was a good or bad session.

"I do feel bad that he is sleeping on the couch all the time," Holly went on. "But he refuses to sleep in the master bedroom."

"Could you move there and let him have the guest room?" Jessica suggested. Holly swallowed.

"Well...I mean I could...it's just..."

"You don't want to sleep in their room either," Jessica finished for her.

"No. I don't," Holly agreed. "It doesn't seem right. It's their room."

"It's also just a room," Jessica added. "It can be altered."

"I'm not ready to do that yet," Holly admitted.

"And that's okay. It takes time after someone is gone. It's a slow process. Just don't get caught up living their lives and not your own," Jessica said. She could see Holly mulling this over and wondered if that was what she had been doing. Jessica herself couldn't imagine living in her dead best friend's house let alone going through it and putting away their things. She hoped she would never have to.

"Sophie's hernia did go away," Holly said, changing the subject. "Like Sam promised."

"That's good."

"I really like Sam."

"I can tell," Jessica smiled. Holly smiled back.

"I'd like to think we could go on a date."

"Do you think he'll ask?"

"God, I hope so," Holly laughed. "If not, then I might have to get assertive."

"Glad to hear that's working for you," Jessica said. "Being assertive."

"Yea. The schedule doesn't get mucked with as much now. It's awesome."

"Good."

Holly diverted the conversation to her store then and how it's been busy. Then it was the end of their session.

...

Messer was driving the van all night. Sophie wouldn't stop screaming They had tried The Baby Whisperer and everything, but it hadn't worked. Holly eventually fell asleep beside Sophie, who was sucking on her bottle. Messer pulled into their driveway as the sun was coming up, and he was exhausted. He had not bargained for this. He got out of the van and shut the door. Then he knocked on the window to wake up Holly before going inside. He took a shower and tried to pretend he wasn't as tired as he really was. He ended up falling face first on the couch while Holly set Sophie down in her play pen and went to do whatever it was she was doing. Messer found himself thinking about Holly a bit more. He knew his therapist was right, that he avoided being vulnerable. He knew he had to try to change that somehow, but he had no idea where to start.

...

Holly took a bit of a nap because she had her event that afternoon. She needed to have some kind of sleep. She had paused outside of Alison and Peter's room, looking at the closed door. She couldn't even bear going inside that room right now.

"Holly?" Messer's voice asked. She turned to see him standing by the top of the stairs.

"What?"

"I just wanted to say that you're doing great. With Sophie."

"Oh. Thank you?" Holly said, unsure of what he was doing.

"I'm sorry I've been so distant."

"It's okay." Was he actually talking to her?! It was incredible.

"I'll let you get some sleep," Messer said, moving to go back down the stairs. Holly stood there in shock when he was gone. He had just apologized to her. Maybe Jessica was right. Maybe there was hope for Messer after all.


	7. Session 7

"I messed it up so bad," Messer moaned. "I ruined my chance to get promoted."

"What happened?" Harvey asked.

"Well, the night before, Sophie wigged out and wouldn't stop screaming, so Holly and I drove around all night to calm her down. I barely got any sleep. Then I'm called to direct a game all by myself finally, and Holly had her thing and wouldn't change it to help me, and none of the neighbors were free, so I had my cab driver watch Sophie."

"Your cab driver?" Harvey asked, a little incredulous.

"Walter. He's a good guy. Anyway, he wouldn't stay in the cab, so he brought Sophie inside, and Sophie starts screaming, and I mess up the cameras and miss the end goal of the game," Messer said, putting his head back into his hands. "I will never get another chance to do this again."

"You don't know that," Harvey pointed out.

"I wish I had your optimism," Messer sighed. He sat there quietly for a moment.

"There's something else that happened, isn't there?" Harvey asked, noticing.

"Holly and I got into a huge fight," Messer admitted. "She said something that has stuck with me."

"What was that?"

"She said that Peter was embarrassed by me but never said anything because he was twice the man I am," Messer answered.

"That packs a punch for sure," Harvey nodded.

"I responded that she needed someone to be able to stand her first before having sex with her."

"I see."

"You're right," Messer said. "My go to is sex, even in a freaking argument. What is wrong with me?"

"Sex is fun and light hearted and something you enjoy. It's a distraction from hurt and pain. It's your safety net. It doesn't mean there's something wrong with you," Harvey pointed out.

"I'm miserable, man," Messer said, continuing on. "I really am. I don't know what I'm doing. I am not a good father figure. I don't know why I agreed to stick this out."

"Because of Peter," Harvey reminded him. "You did it for Peter because Peter would do it for you."

"Maybe Peter shouldn't have picked me," Messer said.

"But he did," Harvey said gently.

Messer didn't say anything for a moment as these words sank in.

"How did you leave things with Holly?" Harvey asked.

"We talked it out. We decided to change the house up."

"And how does that make you feel?"

"It was weird at first, like it was wrong to take down their stuff, but we can't live in their shadow anymore. We can't keep trying to be them because we're not," Messer answered. "So it feels good now."

"I'm glad."

Messer nodded. He had thoughts of wanting to talk about his growing feelings for Holly, but he kept quiet. He didn't want it to somehow get reported back to Janine. He was still figuring them out himself anyway. There was no need to bring other people into it.

...

"We had a HUGE fight," Holly explained to Jessica. "I said such a harsh thing to Messer about Peter being embarrassed by him but was more of a man than Messer and wouldn't say it out loud. Then Messer said that someone would have to stand me first in order to have sex with me. That one really hurt. I mean, I know I can be annoying and a bit much sometimes, but that was uncalled for."

"We usually end up saying things we don't mean in a fight to hurt the other person," Jessica said. "It's our inner child acting out. Picture two children on a playground, and one child hits the other. What does the other child usually end up doing?"

"Hitting back?" Holly asked.

"Correct. Just because we grew up doesn't mean our child selves aren't inside of us and feeling old emotions from past hurts that cause us to hit back," Jessica said.

"I like that," Holly said. "Because it's true."

"Did you two resolve the argument?"

"Yes. We talked. I showed him a video of Alison and Peter fighting to show that even they weren't perfect."

"That sounds helpful."

"I took your advice," Holly went on. "I mentioned to Messer we had to stop trying to be them, so we changed up the house."

"I bet that was hard."

"It was at first, but I knew Alison wouldn't want us to tiptoe around afraid of changing anything. She would want us to do it."

"You're probably right."

"Messer is still not happy. I can tell. He never wanted to do this with me, and he's pouting because he put his motorcycle away."

"He's still struggling?" Jessica asked.

"He said Sophie wasn't his child," Holly said sadly. "I know he thinks I wanted this, but I feel the same way he does."

"It was a sudden thing that you both got thrown into. You have barely had time to adjust. It will take time before things feel okay."

"I feel like Alison and Peter are somewhere eating popcorn and watching this movie and having a good laugh about it," Holly admitted. "Some days I don't know what they were thinking."

"They were thinking that you two are their closest, best friends, and they trust you and know you'll do a wonderful job raising their daughter," Jessica said.

Holly put her hand over her heart, nodding. She just wished she could believe it better.

...

Messer didn't like feeling confused when he thought about Holly, so he did what he did best and found a woman to spend the night with. He brought her back to the house and tried not to wonder what Holly was thinking when she looked up from her magazine at him.

"Hang on," Holly said as they went up the stairs. "Where are you going?"

"The guest room," Messer answered.

"Um, that's my room," Holly said.

"Well, you're kinda in my room," Messer pointed out.

"Please don't," Holly begged.

"I'll change the bedding," he offered. His date was at the top of the stairs, waiting.

"Messer," Holly hissed. He ignored her and went up the stairs two at a time. He refused to let his brain think about Holly. He was kissing his date when banging happened on the door.

"What?" he asked, opening it and feeling annoyed.

"I have to run out and get more diapers."

"But..." Messer started.

"Deal with it," Holly cut him off. She left him standing there, and Messer felt even more annoyed. In the end, talking about being a father to Sophie worked in his favor.

...

Holly woke up on the couch with a pain in her neck. She heard Messer cooking breakfast and the giggle of the woman he'd spent the night with in the kitchen. She groaned inwardly. She stayed there as long as she could until the pain became too much. By this point, the woman was leaving.

"Bye," she was saying, and Messer kissed her.

"Ugh," Holly muttered to herself.

"I'll call you," Messer promised. Then the woman was gone.

"You're so not going to call her," Holly said, snorting.

"She doesn't know that," Messer shrugged.

"You treat women terribly, you know that?" Holly pointed out.

Messer ignored her and made his way to the shower.

"And don't forget to change my bedding!" she called after him.


	8. Session 8

"The neighbors are creeping me out," Messer commented.

"How so?" Harvey asked.

"DeeDee watches me stretch before I run," Messer said. "She thinks I don't notice, but I do. Then Beth is always trying to run with me. It's getting annoying."

"So you only like women's attention when it's on your terms," Harvey noted.

"Did I mention that both of those women are married?" Messer asked, deflecting.

"You did not. So yes, I guess that would be awkward," Harvey agreed, knowing that Messer was deflecting but going along with it.

"Holly is mad at me because I've had a few guests over," Messer went on.

"By guests you mean dates?"

"Yea. It's just helping me get through all of this, you know?"

"And helping you avoid feeling vulnerable," Harvey reminded him.

"You were right about that one," Messer acknowledged. "I've noticed the pattern now, but I don't care at this point."

"Does it have anything to do with Holly?" Harvey asked, making Messer freeze, a motion that Harvey doesn't miss.

"No," Messer lied.

"I know you said you had no interest in Holly, but maybe you do and are just distracting yourself with these other women?"

"No," Messer said again.

"Uh huh," Harvey commented. It was all over Messer's face, but he let it go. "How is Sophie? Is she meeting these women?"

"No," Messer said quickly. "She's in bed when I bring them over. And Sophie is doing great. She started eating Holly's food, which made Holly really excited." He was smiling, and Harvey had noticed that Messer got a special kind of smile on his face when he talked about Holly. He wondered if Messer knew that.

"That's good. You two are getting more comfortable in your roles."

"We seem to be. It's been better since we changed the house up," Messer said. "It feels more like our place now, right?"

"Right."

Messer chattered more about non-essential things. He didn't want to touch the topic of Holly. He felt nervous that Harvey seemed to pick up that Messer had feelings for Holly. Was he that obvious about it? Did Holly know? No, she hadn't said anything, so she must not know. He didn't want to say it out loud because if he said it out loud, then it became real, and if it became real, then there was a chance he could get hurt. And Messer did not want to get hurt ever.

...

"Three this week," Holly said, disgusted. "And he uses my room!"

"That's frustrating," Jessica nodded.

"I don't know what has gotten into him lately. I mean, I know he sleeps with a lot of women, but this is like overboard."

"It could be his way of coping."

"Well, I'd prefer he not cope in my bed," Holly said, wrinkling her nose.

"Is Sophie seeing these women?"

"No. He's smart that way at least."

"Does it bother you that he's with other women?"

"What? No. I don't care," Holly said quickly. "He can do what he wants."

Jessica didn't comment. She had an inkling that Holly was bothered by it but was just denying it.

"Oh! Sophie is eating my food now!" Holly exclaimed, clapping her hands and changing topics quickly. "It was amazing! I was beginning to think she never would."

"I'm so happy for you! That's awesome," Jessica smiled. "I know it means a lot to you."

"It does. My food creations are a part of me, and I like sharing that with others."

"Have you seen Dr. Sam at all since your appointment?" Jessica asked.

"We had our follow up appointment, but nothing since," Holly answered. "I miss him coming for his free range Turkey every day."

"Maybe he doesn't want to add to your situation," Jessica suggested.

"You're probably right, but I still wish he would," Holly sighed. "Ugh, I have to go grocery shopping with Messer after this. We have to relieve our babysitter first."

"I'm glad things seem to be more of a routine for you."

"It's getting there," Holly nodded. "Thank you for today."

"You're welcome."

Jessica smiled at Holly as she stood to leave. Holly had definitely come a ways since their first meeting.

...

Messer didn't know why he went along with it and tested out his flirting skill with Holly. The way she responded and smiled after catching on made him feel warm inside. Then, Dr. Sam came along, and he asked Holly on a date right in front of him.

The nerve.

"Oh, wow," Holly was gushing afterwards. "I've been waiting for so long for that."

"Uh huh," Messer said absently as he pushed the cart. What kind of guy asks a girl out in front of another guy? Granted, they said they weren't together, but Messer was still annoyed. Couldn't Sam tell that Messer had secret feelings for Holly?

"I gotta figure out what to wear," Holly was saying now.

Messer wanted to die.

...

"Okay, how do I look?" Holly asked after coming down the stairs. Messer swallowed. She looked stunning.

"Great," he managed to say.

The doorbell rang, and Holly fussed with her dress and smoothed it out. Messer wished she wasn't going on this date.

"Hi," she said, opening the door and seeing Sam. "I'm ready."

Messer hated seeing the way Sam was looking at Holly. Absolutely abhorred it.

"I won't have her out too late," Sam promised, a twinkle in his eye.

"Take your time. She hasn't had any in a while," Messer said. Holly shot him a dagger look as she shut the door behind them, leaving Messer alone. Yup. He'd felt hurt and vulnerable seeing her go on a date, and he brought up sex. Harvey was going to have a hayday with that one.

...

Messer was feeding Sophie and entertaining her while trying not to think about Holly on her date. He touched Sophie's forehead and felt her fever getting hotter, so he called Holly's phone.

"What?" she asked. "Can't I get one night?"

"I'm not calling for you. I'm calling for Dr. Love," Messer said. When Sam was on the phone, he explained what was going on. Sam told him to take Sophie to the emergency room and he'd have a doctor friend meet him there.

Messer followed Sam's orders, but he wasn't at the hospital long before Holly was there with Sam.

"What are you doing here?" he asked.

"I can't have a date knowing Sophie is in the hospital," Holly answered. Messer sort of (not really) felt bad for ruining her date. Sam talked with the doctors and came back to tell them that Sophie had a urinary tract infection and would have the medication put into her through an IV to get it into her system faster. Messer watched as Holly and Sam stepped outside to say good night, and Messer felt gutted when Holly kissed Sam.

"Well," Holly said as she returned after Sam left. "Looks like we're here a while, huh?" She got on the bed with Sophie and held her. Messer sat in the chair and watched them.

"She'll be all right," Messer told her.

"I know. I just keep thinking that when she's older, we'll have to tell her about her parents. She won't remember them at all," Holly said. "I mean, I feel like I'm in a play, and I'm the understudy for Alison. Who wants the understudy? Who would even see that play?"

"I would," Messer said. Holly gave him a grateful look, and he suddenly had the urge to hug her.

"I really like Sam," she said, ruining his feeling.

"I can tell."

"He seems to be able to stand me," she went on.

"Holly, you know I didn't mean that..." Messer started.

"I know," she stopped him. "It's just that you had a point...sort of. Anyway, I hope to see him again."

"I'm sure you will," Messer said, a sinking feeling happening in his gut.

He didn't want her to see Sam again.


	9. Session 9

Messer was back to not really talking, and Harvey was trying to figure out why. They had been making good progress until...

Holly.

Harvey recalled Messer's expression when they were talking about Holly. That had to be it.

"You're quiet today," Harvey noted, trying to start some kind of conversation.

"I haven't been sleeping very well," Messer replied.

"Sophie?"

"No. She's been doing really well at sleeping. She started walking, did I mention that?"

"No. That's wonderful news!"

"Yea she just stood up one day and then took off," Messer said. "It was amazing. Holly and I have been running around after her ever since."

"They have boundless energy at that age it seems," Harvey noted, thinking of his niece and smiling to himself.

"I'll say. It'll be interesting when she starts to talk," Messer said. "Holly keeps trying to get her to say our names, but so far nothing."

"It'll come in time. Then you'll miss the days where they don't talk back," Harvey chuckled.

"I'm sure," Messer grinned.

"Things between you and Holly are okay?"

"Um, yea. Yea, they are," Messer nodded slowly. A shadow passed over his face. Harvey noticed.

"You sure?" he prompted.

"She went on a date," Messer blurted out. "With Dr. Love. I mean Sam. Dr. Sam."

"And this upsets you?"

"No. I mean...no. I'm not upset," Messer denied. It was only ripping him into pieces inside, but he wasn't going to admit that out loud.

"Let me guess, you made some kind of comment about sex before they left?" Harvey asked. Messer stared at him.

"How did you know? Did you bug our house?" he asked, suspicious.

"I just guessed because you and I have established that you turn to that when you're feeling hurt or vulnerable."

"Do you have to keep bringing that up?"

"Sorry."

There was silence for a moment.

"Yea, I did," Messer said, sighing. "I don't know why, though. I don't feel vulnerable around Holly."

"Are you sure?"

"Well...I mean, I can be myself around her, if that's what you mean."

"That's not what I mean."

"Okay, okay, you got me," Messer said, flapping his hands. "I think I'm falling for Holly."

"Does that make you feel better? Saying it out loud?" Harvey asked.

"I don't know," Messer said honestly. "It doesn't change that she likes Dr. Lov-Sam."

"She went on one date, right?"

"Yea."

"It was just a date. It wasn't marriage. She's not committed to him for the rest of her life. You know you could ask her on a date too, right?"

"That didn't work so well last time. I don't think it would go well a second time," Messer insisted.

"Don't self-sabotage just yet," Harvey said. "You've spent more time with her since, and you have genuine feelings for her now, correct?"

"Correct."

"Then it could be very different from last time."

"Oh shit, I'm doing this," Messer said, feeling a bit panicked.

"You're doing it, and you're gonna have a good time because you're going to not be hard on yourself and you're going to just be you," Harvey instructed.

"Yea. Just be me. I can do that," Messer agreed.

"Any thoughts on how you're going to ask her?"

"One thing at a time, Doc," Messer replied.

"Oh, I'm not a doctor," Harvey corrected. "Just to be clear."

"Yea, yea. Okay. Wow. I'm asking Holly on a date," Messer said. "I'm really doing this."

Harvey really hoped that it would work out for Messer.

...

"Sam and I went on our date," Holly said. "And it got cut short because Sophie had a urinary tract infection. I could tell Sam was kind of bummed that we ended our date, but I couldn't focus on the date for thinking about Sophie being in the hospital."

"I'm sure Sam understood since he's a doctor after all," Jessica said.

"He did. We kissed," Holly said, growing pink around the ears. "It was really nice."

"Do you think he'll call you?"

"He sent me flowers, which I take to be a good sign," Holly smiled.

"I'm glad things are working out for you," Jessica smiled back.

"Sophie started walking," Holly went on. "I'm so glad Messer didn't traumatize her. I asked him to stall her the first time she stood up so I wouldn't miss her first steps, and he knocked her over."

"Sounds like he panicked."

"The good news is she wasn't traumatized by it, and now I can barely keep up with her," Holly said. "Now I have two children walking around in their underpants drinking."

"Two? Oh, you mean Messer," Jessica said, realizing.

"Yea. At least they're bonding," Holly chuckled. Then she grew somber.

"What are you thinking about?" Jessica asked.

"Just how Peter and Alison are missing out on Sophie's milestones. I mean, there are so many. Her first steps, her first words, her first lost tooth, her first date, her first kiss...I just hurt inside thinking about it."

Jessica nodded, feeling hurt inside herself. She couldn't imagine, but these sessions with Holly were making her imagine it.

"You know, some days I think I'm fine, and then some days I don't even want to get out of bed because it hurts so much," Holly said, tearing up. She had been doing well with not crying as much. Today was just one of those days.

"What do you think Alison would tell you right now?" Jessica asked. Holly sniffed and wiped at her eyes.

"She'd tell me to buck up. She'd tell me that crying isn't going to bring her back. She'd tell me that she is still with me even if it's in spirit," Holly answered.

"The ones we love never truly leave us. They're always in our hearts," Jessica said.

"Right. I just have to remember that," Holly nodded. "You know, Sam is the doctor that Alison wanted to set me up with. I just realized that the other day."

"She has good taste then," Jessica smiled.

"Not always," Holly laughed. "There were a lot of other duds. Messer included."

"Are you and Messer doing okay? Since your fight?"

"Yea. We're okay. I think he's relieved that I've got someone else to put my focus on."

"I'm glad you're both getting along okay."

"Me too."

...

Messer felt nervous as he tried to figure out when to ask Holly on a date. In the end, an opportunity was granted for him.

"I'm going to have to put my expansion of my shop on hold," Holly sighed, falling back onto the couch.

"Why's that?"

"Because all of this is expensive," Holly said. "It's okay. I'll just keep having a shop and not a restaurant. It's fine."

"I have savings," Messer said. "I can loan you some money."

"No, no. Messer, it's okay," Holly said.

"I'm serious. I'll be an investor in Fraichey," Messer said.

"It's just Fraiche," she smiled. "And all right. You're an investor. Wow, Mess, that's so great."

Messer was taken aback when she stood to hug him. As he held onto her, he realized even more that he had strong feelings for her. He wondered if she had noticed he hadn't had any more women over lately. He just couldn't do it when all he could think about was her.

"I'll make you dinner," Holly went on. "To show my appreciation."

"Tonight?"

"Tonight," she nodded. "I'll call the babysitter."

Messer couldn't believe how easy it was to get a date with Holly. He hadn't asked, but he was still considering it a date. He went to get changed. He had to make this perfect.


	10. Session 10

"I got the date," Messer said as soon as he sat down in the chair across from Harvey.

"Good for you!" Harvey exclaimed. "And?"

"It was really good."

"It went well?"

"Better than well. I mean, there was the part where she destroyed my motorcycle, but it's okay."

"Wait, she destroyed your motorcycle?" Harvey asked.

"I was teaching her how to drive, and she let go of the clutch. The bike flew out from under her, and then a bus ran it over," Messer explained.

"Oh dear."

"I'm still a little bit upset about that, but I can always get another bike. Or not. They are kind of dangerous I guess."

"And how are things with Holly after your date?"

"Well, we spent the night together after. In Peter and Alison's room of all places," Messer said, chuckling a little. "Their room is incredible. I don't get why I was so afraid of it."

"So you and Holly are together now?"

"I think so. It's still pretty new. Our social worker was not pleased. She compared us to termites of all things," Messer said. "We made her easy case complicated. She wants us to figure out if we're staying together or ending it before our last visit with her."

"So what do you think? Will you stay together?"

Messer exhaled long and hard.

"I want to say yes."

"You want to? Does that mean there's a chance you won't?"

"I got offered a job," Messer blurted out.

"A job?"

"In Phoenix. Directing the Suns. I haven't told Holly yet..."

"Are you thinking of taking it?"

"Ahhh I don't know," Messer said. "I really don't. I mean, it's what I've always wanted, but I also don't want to leave Holly."

"Could she go with you?"

"I don't want to uproot Sophie," Messer answered. "Not after all of this. She needs to be somewhere stable."

"So you have a choice to make," Harvey noted.

"I do, and I have no idea what to choose."

Harvey could sense that Messer was potentially going to choose leaving because he let Holly in, and they both knew that after he lets someone in, he bails.

...

"You should have seen that thing fly," Holly said, laughing. "Messer cried when it got run over by the bus."

"Oh no," Jessica said.

"It didn't ruin everything," Holly went on, shifting in her chair a little.

"What happened?"

"We slept together," Holly blurted out.

"You...you did?" Jessica asked, surprised. That was out of the blue.

"I know! I'm still in shock myself, but he was just so...different this time," Holly said. "I could almost see why Alison set us up. If that was the side of him she saw, then I get it."

"So are you two together now?"

"I think so? We haven't really talked about it, but we're still spending the night in the same bed."

"And Sam?"

"Oh, I know. Sam. I...I haven't talked to him yet. Messer and I have to figure out our plan first before I tell Sam. Janine wants us to figure it out before her next visit. I..I'm hopeful that we'll stay together," Holly admitted. "But I haven't had that conversation with Messer yet."

"So aside from all of that," Jessica said. "Do you find yourself settling into things with Sophie better? Are you still having doubts as a parent?"

"Sometimes, but not as much as before," Holly admitted. "I guess it really does get easier with time."

"I'm asking because we are nearing the end of our sessions," Jessica said. "And I think you've had a lot of progress since we first met."

"I agree," Holly nodded.

"With grief, the journey is not a straight one. It's a mess of loops and tangles and backtracking," Jessica explained. "You'll have days where you're fine and don't think about it, and then you'll have days where it hits you harder than usual. Grief is ever changing. Sometimes, though, we have to celebrate the person's life instead of grieve the loss of their life because they still had time with you and memories were made. You can't forget all of those. And just because they're gone doesn't mean you can't talk about them."

"You're right. I had a lot of wonderful times with Alison. And Peter. It's easy to get caught up in the sadness of it all."

"And that's okay. You're allowed to be sad. You're allowed to feel your emotions," Jessica said. "It's what you do with those emotions that matters."

"What do you mean?"

"You can be sad, but try not to hide in bed all day. You can be angry, but try not to punch someone in the face," Jessica explained. "And don't say 'I am angry' or 'I am sad.' That makes it that you are taking on the identity of sadness and anger, and you are not your emotions. Say 'I feel sad' instead."

"Got it," Holly nodded. "I get it."

"I think that's a good place to stop for today," Jessica said.

"I think so too," Holly agreed. She was feeling good. She hoped this meant that soon it wouldn't hurt so bad to think about Alison and Peter.

...

Messer didn't know what to do. He was torn. He kept thinking about how amazing it would be to finally be a director, but he also kept thinking about Holly and their date together. He kept seeing her cooking without a recipe with a smile on her face, the way she laughed during dinner, her face when she wrecked his motorcycle, and the way she looked when they were together later that night. He kept thinking about every night since then and how right it felt sleeping beside her. He didn't want to lose that, but his mind kept going to that default way of thinking that told him he needed to get out before he got hurt. What he hadn't told Harvey was that his parents divorced when he was about twelve. He lived with his mother, who had a broken heart and never fully recovered. His father was indifferent and wanted Messer to be like him, but Messer went his own way. Messer had determined from a young age that he never wanted to be left by someone who claimed to love you, so he decided to never let himself be out there or let anyone get close to him. Holly was too close to him, and it scared him.

...

Holly knew she had to talk to Messer and soon, but she was afraid of jinxing it. She also thought about Sam and how he deserved to know Holly was with someone else. She felt bad that they didn't get the chance to figure things out, but at the same time, she was feeling glad that she and Messer were doing this. All this time and Holly had never noticed what Messer could be. She felt a little sorry they hadn't figured it out sooner. She really hoped that it would work out.


	11. Session 11

"Hey, Harvey, it's Messer. I, uh, I'm in Phoenix. Holly found out that I had a job offer, and we had a big fight. I told her I was playing a part, which I think in my heart I was. Or not. I really don't know anymore. Anyway, I'm sorry I missed our last appointment. I want to thank you for everything that you've done for me. I have some work to do on myself I know. A part of me thinks I should have fought for Holly because she meant a lot to me, but I'm just too afraid, Doc. Sorry, Harvey. I know you don't like being called Doc. Um, I guess this is goodbye. I'm sure things will get better. I'm still seeing Sophie over iChat, and I'll be back for Thanksgiving. Anyway, take care, and, uh, I'm sorry I bailed. I guess it's what I do best."

Harvey listened to the message and played it again. He felt bad that Messer was beating himself up for running. He wished he could make him feel better. He sighed and began typing up his note, explaining that their last session was cancelled and why.

...

Jessica felt bad as she watched Holly cry. It was like their first session all over again. She felt a little angry at Messer too for just up and leaving.

"I get it," Holly said. "He said he was pretending, that he was playing a part. He was pretending with me. I should have never fallen for it."

"You can't blame yourself for not knowing. People only show us what they want us to see. You didn't know he was pretending."

"I should have been smarter," Holly insisted.

"How?" Jessica challenged.

"I don't know. I should have just realized that Messer was trying everything he could to force himself to want to do this for Sophie, and that included pretending we were a couple."

"Did you ever think that maybe Messer got scared? That he got close to you and left because it scared him?" Jessica asked.

"No," Holly frowned. "Why would he be scared?"

"Some men get afraid after being vulnerable with someone. Maybe that's what happened."

"No. He got his out, his amazing job in Phoenix, and he left. He was just waiting for something better to come along to give him an excuse to leave."

Jessica had a feeling this wasn't necessarily the case, but she didn't voice it.

"So what are you going to do now?"

"I'm going to raise Sophie by myself for now. I'm going to call Sam."

"You are?"

"Yes. Sam isn't the kind of guy who will abandon me. I should have realized that. I'm so glad I didn't call him and tell him about Messer."

"Are you going to tell him that you had something with Messer?"

"I don't know. I don't want him to run away too."

"I'm sorry this happened," Jessica said.

"Me too, but at least I found out now and not a few years from now, right?" Holly said, forcing a laugh. She was so done with crying. She wiped her face and knew she'd have to fix her makeup after the session. She was trying not to think about Messer and where he was and what he was doing.

"We have one more session left, but if you'd like, we can extend them," Jessica offered.

"No, it's okay. I will be fine after our last session," Holly promised.

"You can always call for a follow up and/or come back in the future," Jessica advised.

"Thank you."

Holly got up and left then. She had to pick up Sophie and carry on her life without Messer.

...

The iChats felt forced. Holly let Messer talk to Sophie and all that, but she couldn't bear to see him. She had told Sam what had happened because she couldn't lie to him. Sam had taken it all very well and understood that Holly had been emotionally confused for a bit. This kind of surprised Holly at how much he was willing to take to make this work. It wasn't long before he was practically living with her, and Holly was grateful to have someone help her out. Messer was still paying his half of things, but he wasn't there, and she needed someone there in the flesh to help her.

"How are you doing?" Messer asked when he was done talking to Sophie.

"I'm fine," Holly answered.

"Are you really?"

"Messer, I'm fine. We'll talk in a few days."

"Okay."

Holly shut off the iChat, but she felt like crying. She still had feelings for Messer, but she was forcing herself to shove them down and bury them. It was twice he had managed to hurt her, and she wasn't ever going to let him hurt her again.


	12. Session 12

Jessica could tell Holly was missing Messer. It was written all over her face.

"How are things?" she asked.

"Good," Holly answered. "Sam is a huge help. Sophie loves him, and I...I think I can love him too."

"Do you still see Messer on the chats?"

"Yes, but we don't really talk. I make sure of that."

"He's coming for Thanksgiving?"

"He is. That should be fun, but at least Sophie gets to see him."

Jessica sensed a little sarcasm around the "fun" part, but she knew Holly was still hurt by Messer leaving.

"We're selling the house," Holly went on. "I can't afford it alone, even with Messer's contributions. It doesn't make sense to keep such a big house anyway. Sophie will be fine wherever we go."

"Where are you going to go?"

"Sam and I are looking for something close to my shop," Holly answered.

"You're going to move in together?"

"Yea. Why not? I mean, we've been practically living together anyway."

"You don't think it's a bit fast?"

"It is, but it's working for us," Holly answered.

"Well, you know you best," Jessica said with a smile.

"I do, and I know that once we get settled into our new place, things will just keep getting better," Holly surmised.

"I know this is our last session. How are you feeling about that?"

"I feel okay. It's almost been a year since Alison and Peter died, and while it still hurts it also doesn't feel as sharp, you know? I think I'm going to be okay."

"Well, here are some book recommendations to try if you're feeling stuck on your grief journey," Jessica said, handing her a list. "And keep doing your self-care. That's still important."

"Yes. I understand that more than ever," Holly chuckled. "Thank you, Jessica, for everything."

"Anytime."

...

Jessica always felt a twinge of sadness every time one of her clients left therapy. Most of them left on their own terms because they felt better. Some left because they didn't feel it helped them. Jessica hoped that Holly would continue to do well after leaving therapy. She had faith she would. Holly had given Jessica a lot to think about in regards to children and friends.

She finished off her notes and shut down her computer. She grabbed her coat and left her office, turning the light off as she did so. She was going home for Thanksgiving, and she wondered how much her mother would ask when she was going to have a baby.

"Well?" Harvey asked, coming out of his office too. They fell into step together.

"I think my client is going to be okay," Jessica answered.

"Good," Harvey nodded. Their hands intertwined as they walked out of the building. Jessica hadn't changed her last name because she had built her practice with her maiden name, and she didn't want to confuse people. Harvey had been okay with that.

"I think she's with the wrong guy," Jessica stated as they reached their car.

"Well, don't give up on the right guy just yet," Harvey said. They both knew who they were talking about. Again, they didn't discuss their clients in detail with each other, but they knew who the other was seeing.

"You think he'll come back for good?" Jessica asked, surprised.

"I have a feeling," Harvey answered before shutting her door and going around to the driver's side. He had complete faith in Messer that he'd do the right thing.

...

The fallout from Thanksgiving had been devastating, and Holly had not only lost Messer but she had lost Sam. She knew Sam was better off without her, though. She had been kidding herself all this time that she could make it work when deep inside she still had feelings for Messer.

She was currently reading to Sophie, who suddenly looked up at her and said, "Mama."

Holly felt stunned.

"No, I'm Holly," she corrected. "I'm Holly."

"Mama," Sophie said again, still looking at her.

Holly felt for a second that she might burst into tears, but then she realized that Sophie would only ever see her as a mother, not just Holly. It didn't mean that Alison was never her mother and still wasn't just because she was gone. Holly was Sophie's adoptive mother, and she could live with that.

"That's right, baby girl," Holly said after a moment. "I'm your Mama."

She held Sophie close as she kept reading. She knew somewhere Alison would be smiling.


	13. Session 13

"I have to admit, I am not surprised to see you," Harvey said, looking at Messer sitting across from him. It was about three weeks since Holly had last seen Jessica.

"You're not?"

"No. I knew you'd figure it out."

"Figure what out exactly?" Messer asked.

"Why don't you tell me?" Harvey suggested because he knew Messer knew and was just messing with him.

"All right," Messer grinned. "I discovered that I loved Holly and couldn't be without her or Sophie. We had a big blow out on Thanksgiving, and I was heading back to Phoenix when I realized I had chosen wrong. I needed to be with my family."

"You decided to be brave and let her in for good," Harvey noted.

"I did. So far, it's going great."

"I'm really happy for you, Messer."

"I am too," Messer nodded, grinning still. "I don't know what I was so afraid of."

"We all have doubts and fears. Sometimes they pop up even when we think we've dealt with them, so just be ready if that happens," Harvey advised.

"I will."

"I appreciate you coming to let me know how you're doing."

"I felt bad just leaving without a proper goodbye. I think this is a better ending, don't you agree?"

"I do."

"Well," Messer said, standing and extending his hand for Harvey to shake, which he did. "If I ever need you, I know where to find you."

"Yes, you do."

After Messer was gone, Harvey fist pumped to himself, thrilled that Messer had overcome his fear and chose Holly. Harvey always did love a happy ending.

...

Jessica had been surprised to hear from Holly to have a follow up session scheduled. When Holly came into her office, she could tell something good had happened.

"How are you?" Jessica asked.

"Messer and I are together," Holly said at the same time.

"Oh? When did that happen?" Jessica asked, trying to contain her excitement.

"After Thanksgiving. I was meeting with my social worker when I realized I didn't want Messer to leave. I had broken up with Sam after Messer and I fought on Thanksgiving. I realized I couldn't force something to work when it wasn't right."

"How did you tell Messer?"

"Well, we raced to the airport only to find his flight had left, but when I got back home, Messer was waiting for me inside. He said he wanted us to be a family. He said he knew why Alison and Peter chose us because for whatever reason, we work. We're keeping the house, and we're going to raise Sophie together."

"That's fantastic, Holly," Jessica said.

"It is. I'm so happy. I just wanted to come and tell you how it all ended," Holly said.

"I appreciate it."

"No offense, but I hope I don't have to come back here," Holly laughed.

"None taken," Jessica smiled. "I'm supposed to work myself out of a job, you know."

"Haha right!" Holly laughed again. "Well, thank you again."

"You're welcome. Take care."

"You too."

...

Harvey looked up to see Jessica standing in his office doorway. She was grinning.

"See? I told you," Harvey said.

"When you're right, you're right," she agreed.

"Good work," he said.

"And you," she replied. They smiled one last time at each other before she returned to her office to greet her new client.

"Harvey Gold?" a voice asked.

"Yes?" he said, looking up.

"I'm your 1:30."

"Ah, yes. Come on in," Harvey gestured as the woman nodded and came inside.

He was ready for a new challenge.

...

"That is a complicated cake," Messer was saying as Holly finished assembling her creation. It was Sophie's second birthday, and the neighbors were all out there waiting. Messer had Sophie in his arms.

"She's my girl, and I'm gonna spoil her," Holly insisted.

"It's great, Holly."

"Thank you."

"What's this one for? She's two, not one," Messer noted, looking at the second cake.

"That one's for us. We made it a year," Holly said, smiling. He smiled back and bent down to kiss her quickly. He was glad he had decided to let Holly in fully. He was not regretting it at all so far.

"Cake," Sophie said.

"Yes! Cake!" Messer exclaimed. "Let's get on with the cake!" He carried her out to her chair and set her down in it. The neighbors gathered around talking and laughing with each other. Their kids were running around everywhere.

Holly entered singing "Happy Birthday," and everyone joined in. Messer put his arm around her afterwards as DeeDee took their picture. He was happy Holly loved him back just as much. He was already planning what proposing to her would look like, but they were going to take it one day at a time for right now. He was okay with that.

Life as they knew it was good.

**The End**

* * *

**I hope this story was enjoyed by someone somewhere. Thanks for reading!**


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